Sooooooo we went to the hospital this weekend and spent pretty much our entire Saturday being tortured about what’s to come. I must say, I was scared before, just knowing bits and pieces, but now I can honestly say I’m terrified. So much so that I’m not really sure I want to do this anymore.

So much to look forward to. An entire day of pain and exhaustive work. After becoming as lazy as I am now (mostly because it’s just so hard to move much and everything hurts), thinking about hard work for hours and hours upon end sounds like a total blast.

But it’s all in the perceptions. So instead of thinking about the scary I’m going to focus on the happy. I’ll get to spend an entire day bonding with my husband, working together to bring a new member of our family into our lives, relying on one another to accomplish a really big task, and trusting one another. I hear it brings you closer together, and I can’t wait for that. Not that we’re not already close, but to have a deep bond of “we did this together” would be kinda awesome. And I can also just trust that God has a plan and He knows what he’s doing, so just follow His lead.

And a baby! Wow sometimes I stop and think to myself.. “oh my goodness… I’m going to have a little person depending on me soon..”

I think the scariest part of it all is both what I hear about it being the most pain ever experienced, as well as the scary spine prickling epidural. Everyone says, “Get the epidural!” very emphatically and dramatically, but I keep thinking about a super huge needle grazing my spine and then stuff sticking out of me all over the place to monitor me… soooo many needles and tubes and stuff. Not cool.

But if it means I can focus on breathing and pushing and sharing a moment with Eric instead of just trying to survive a fog of pain, then maybe I should go that route.

I have to say one thing.. while I’m nervous about the “big day”, I really can’t wait to get my body back. Ah to be able to eat, and sleep, and wear clothes, and not pee every 2.45 minutes would be blissful. How I realize how I took my old body for granted. And I do realize that I won’t get it back for a long while.. apparently there’s a lot that follows birth that people don’t much talk about which is also very unpleasant..

But the strangest thing of all….. I can’t even begin to fathom how this thought popped into my mind… but as I was folding and putting away my maternity clothes from the dryer I was thinking… after this is over.. we should do it again.

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