I wondered what kind of mother would I be, while pregnant. I was planning and hoping I wouldn’t be super overprotective, and would allow others to hold her, watch her, and take her places without worrying incessantly. I wanted to be that mom that says, “its just a scratch, she’ll be fine,” or could still think about other stuff instead of nothing but baby and if she’s OK.

I knew I wouldn’t know what type of mom I was until I actually had her, but really wanted to be a good, but reasonable mom.

While still in the hospital, when she was about a day old, they gave her to me to spend the day, hanging out in my hospital bed, practicing nursing, and generally just bonding. The nurse came in to ask when the last time I had fed her, which had been awhile since she was still sleepy newborn and I wasn’t exactly producing food for her yet. But once the nurse left I noticed Aria was rooting some, and kind of blowing bubbles. I pulled her over to try nursing, which was still an experiment with a vast learning curve for the both of us, but as I tried to help her latch I noticed she was straining and changing colors. My baby started to turn red, then purple! I started screaming out “nurse!!” repeatedly while pushing the call button at the same time. Eric came running out of the bathroom asking what was wrong and when I told him our baby was purple he ran out into the hallway. At the same time they answered my buzz to see what I needed and I cried out again that my baby was purple.

Two nurses rushed in with Eric hot on their heels and took her and suctioned out her mouth. This whole experience happened over the course of maybe a minute or less, and I think Aria had technically started getting her color back as soon as they took her from me, but it was terrifying nonetheless. They said it was a ‘goober’ which generally only happens in the first two days of life, but they were going to take and monitor her for a bit anyway.

I also heard later that it could have just been her straining trying to get the first bowel movement out, which I heard was a lot and a big mess. Still…my baby turned purple and did not appear to be getting air.

From that point on I keep wanting to check that she’s still breathing… That my baby is alive. I just need to check that my little Aria is OK, and then I’m OK.

I do let visitors hold her and don’t correct them on anything. I’m pretty sure moms and grandmoms and friends are careful enough that they won’t let anything happen, so maybe there’s hope for me yet. As long as she keeps breathing…

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