I thought it was supposed to be impossible to spoil a newborn… Somehow I’ve managed to…

So the nightly routine that begins at 10 takes typically two hours. It begins with nursing, then she falls asleep and I carefully transfer her to the bassinet. Ten minutes later she wakes up and starts crying. I try rocking her, singing to her, cuddling her, changing her diaper.. The only thing that gets her to stop crying is to nurse again. And again I wait until she’s completely out and try transferring her again. And usually the second time is even less successful than the first because she’s distrustful so she wakes up and cries almost instantly when she hits the pad in the bassinet.

The third time she falls asleep nursing I give up and put her in bed with me. And when she wakes up she throws her arm onto me and goes right back to sleep.

I’ve created a cuddle monster who will only sleep in bed with me. This becomes rather difficult because I’m afraid of squishing her, so I don’t sleep the most comfortably or soundly. And I don’t want her to fall out so I sleep pretty much in the center of the bed and she gets my side, which Eric hasn’t yet complained about, probably because it’s better to sleep crammed together than to not sleep at all.

She’s in a much better mood when I let her sleep with me. In the middle of the night and in the morning somehow we wake up sweeter and more understanding of getting ready to nurse than when she’s in her bed, as that just becomes a sad scream-fest.

I know its not the safest, but I really don’t know what to do. She’s so happy next to me, and so miserable in the bassinet. Even swaddled, or unswaddled, with or without a pacifier… Nothing matters. She doesn’t care a lick what she has on, what position she’s in, etc if she’s in bed next to me. As long as she opens her eyes and sees she’s here she’s content.

It’s touching, really. Makes me feel special…. Which mostly counters the feelings of a mother who is a failure at getting my baby to bed.