• It’s important to exert your independence as early as possible so that they know you are capable of taking care of yourself. Never allow help when getting dressed, changing your diaper, or going to the bathroom as it shows weakness. If you absolutely cannot do it on your own, and you’ve tried screaming and rolling around on the floor already, then and only then accept help but make sure you demand it in a loud whiny voice.
  • Always say “No” first when answering any question someone asks you, then actually listen to the question to make sure it’s not something you really want.
  • Actually, you don’t even have to always listen when someone asks you a question. Sometimes it’s better to just tune everyone out and pretend you don’t hear anything, because at some point someone will say Cookie or Go Play Outside or something else awesome to get your attention, so get really excited about it so they feel guilty and have to give you whatever they said.
  • When mommy or daddy count numbers in the wrong order it means something very bad is going to happen. It’s best to hold out as long as possible, until they get to 1, before actually doing whatever it is they want.
  • A plate is just a general suggestion of where food should go.
  • Procrastination is your best friend. Make sure that you wash your hands three times, brush your teeth for 10 minutes, and play dress up with all of the clothes in the bottom drawers before bed. It may mean no story time or only a 20 minute nap, but it’s so worth it.
  • Your sibling’s life is in your hands. Make sure mommy knows every time your baby sister is crying, and what it is she needs. If mommy is taking too long to give her a bottle, go ahead and make one for her.
  • Because of all that you do for your sibling, half of her dinner belongs to you. Make sure you remind mommy every other bite that it’s your turn.
  • Mommy needs lots of help cleaning. If she gets out the vacuum cleaner, go ahead and take over for her so she can watch but not go anywhere else. If she starts sweeping, you should take over that responsibility too. If she’s doing dishes that for sure is something you can and definitely should help with.
  • Be careful, things on the stove may be hot. Make sure everyone knows this.
  • Frequently remind people of what belongs to who. Tell mommy that she’s wearing mommy’s shirt, and tell daddy that this is daddy’s cup and make sure they know what stuff is yours. And be sure mommy knows that she is your mommy. Catastrophe may happen if she is not fully aware that she is your mommy, so remind her often.
  • Be sure you keep everyone in line. If daddy gets up from dinner empty handed, go ahead and scold him to take his plate to the sink. If mommy isn’t singing and dancing along with the song you just learned in daycare, be sure to cry at her because she’s definitely doing it on purpose.
  • Never get left behind; if mommy is more than three steps ahead of you, tell her to wait for you, and if she doesn’t, have a meltdown on the stairs, or in the kitchen, or wherever you might be that you could definitely get lost.
  • Rules apply to everyone except you. If you aren’t supposed to step in grandma’s flower bed, make sure you trample some flowers while telling your cousin to get out of the flower bed. Pull mommy’s hair but then reprimand your sister when she does it to you.
  • When daddy decides to watch TV it is optimal timing to put in a movie. Go ahead, try out three or four movies before walking away and leaving daddy to watch Dumbo or Sing Along Songs without you.
  • The cat is not allowed to sleep in past you. If you catch him sleeping in his cat bed in the morning, make sure to tell him it’s time to get up as you dump him from his cat bed. Then make sure you throw the cat bed in another room so he can’t sneak back to bed.
  • On random occasions, completely baffle your parents by being the most angelic perfect child ever for a little while, just to get them off their guard.
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