Shortly after getting married and having our babies, I started praying every night to be a good wife and mother. I didn’t put much thought into what would make a good wife or mother, just that I needed God’s help to get me there, or keep me there, because who knows, maybe I was already an excellent wife and mother?
One thing that I did pray for early on was wisdom. I think that was the very first fruit I started asking for, because I was in awe of Solomon, asking for it and receiving it and being renowned for it. I wanted to have God’s wisdom in all things so that I would know what to ask for. And to this day I will have conversations with the girls and they will ask something, and wisdom will pour forth from my mouth that I later will reflect on and think.. how in the world did I think of that or know that?? But God’s got my back.
Our marriage certainly has had some bumps, and often I would pray for God to fix him and I knew exactly what I wanted God to change about him. I would rattle off the attributes I’d have God bestow upon him each and every night during the valleys of our relationship. I did notice, over the years, some gradual changes in him, but we still had our difficulties.
Then one day when the kids were still pretty small, probably about two and four, I came down with some illness that gave me a sore throat and took away my voice for a few days. One night as I was getting the kids ready for bed Aria said, “I like that you can’t yell at us anymore.” That stopped my heart. Was I that bad about yelling? I know that my patience doesn’t run eternal, but, I acknowledged, I did do the whole start-off-calm-and-sweet, but gradually amp it up until you’re hulking out on them because they Just. Won’t. Listen. Ugh!
So that night I started praying for patience.
It took a few years but I find now that I only yell at them when something really bad is about to happen, or when I’ve had a really really stressful day and I’ve reached the end of my rope. But it’s not often. In fact, Aria just told me a couple weeks ago that she would rather tell me when she does something than her daddy, because I don’t yell at her. !!! So I thanked the Lord and continue to ask for patience each night.
Another time I noticed how generous my sister-in-law is. She’s thoughtful, she gives her time to help others. She gives gifts for no reason. She brings food to parties just to be thoughtful. So I’ve been praying to be more thoughtful and generous. I have very often in the past seen someone give a gift to someone at a group or activity or something and been like, Oh.. I wish I had thought of that. For the first time ever I actually remembered to have the girls give gifts to their activities teachers (the school ones aren’t easy to forget, it’s all the other people in their lives!) and to their bus driver. And I remembered before it was too late. So I’m not all the way there yet, but making progress! And added that fruit to my list of requests from God.
We have a dog that we adopted as a puppy. Sure, dogs have their own personalities, but you have to imagine you’ve had a certain amount of impression on a dog’s personality that has been with you since they were only weeks old. My dog hates going in the car, but sometimes that is just inevitable. Also, with the change in jobs, the addition of a million after-school kid activities, and the winter weather, I had gotten really REALLY bad about taking the dogs for walks. So I think the one we’ve had since puppy-hood had grown depressed and just didn’t trust me that if we were leaving the house that it wouldn’t be to the vet or somewhere else via the car. When I would offer to take the two of them for a walk, she would sulk away to her crate and I would get super frustrated with her and end up just taking the other dog. Then I’d come back and loudly praise the other dog, show off how great it was we went for a walk, in the hopes next time she would reconsider her attitude and come too.
One Saturday I needed to take her to the vet. Via the car. And she did Not want to go. She usually runs and hides in her crate, so I had closed that beforehand so it wasn’t an option. So instead she curled up on a chair and refused to budge. She’s a big dog, nearly 70lbs. I am not a big person, so I couldn’t just pick her up and take her. I tried being sweet and calling her, luring her with treats, and eventually tried just forcing her. I grabbed her neck like you would a puppy and started to pull. She growled at me! The audacity! I was the boss here, she was NOT allowed to growl at me! Ever! So I did it again and told her very firmly that she WAS coming. And that dog bit me. Not hard enough to break the skin, but it was a couple bites on my arm, nonetheless. I was devastated. This was my dog. Whom I’d raised from a puppy. Who knew I was master.
I ended up just leaving her there and only taking the other dog. As soon as I walked into the vet office they asked where she was and I started crying. I couldn’t stop it. I was so incredibly upset that she had bitten me.
After that I made a conscious effort to go on more walks, but the very next time I decided to go and got her harness out she once again ran to her crate and I ended up losing my temper again. I started, once again, with treats, cajoling, and the like but she refused to come out even for a spoonful of peanut butter. I tried rationalizing with her, like a child, that we were just going for a walk and she should just trust me. I finally got so mad at her that I rattled her crate, trying to dump her out, and she growled at me. I looked at her long and hard, told her off and left without her.
So you might be thinking my patience could use some help here, and it likely needed a good helping of Holy Spirit, but what was running through my brain is how wrong She was, and how right I was.
Well some time thereafter I had a fight with my husband. I was So Sure that I was right that I refused to back down, and every time I tried to explain to him my side and how he was in the wrong, we both would dig deeper and we both came away more hurt.
Shortly after the dog bite incident I had started looking into trainers and how to fix my dog. But for some reason after that fight I looked up “Why my dog doesn’t trust me.” I started reading about how we try to humanize them and rationalize with them like they’re people, but they’re not. They’re animals. Once they reach a certain stress threshold there’s nothing you can do but let them be. The trick is to try to keep them from getting to that point with training, and a relationship built on trust. And for some other reason I ended up going down an internet rabbit hole where I started reading about dealing with pride in relationships. I’m not sure how I made the jump from the dog to the husband, but I had started off by looking up how to deal with his pride, and instead learned that I should be dealing with my own.
So that night I prayed long and hard and really long and really hard and super anxiously for God to humble me. Me. Not the dog and not the husband, but me.
That wasn’t too long ago. I’m happy to report that since that prayer I have handled discussions and disagreements with my husband differently. And with my kids. And with my dog. Instead of thinking about what I think is right, I’m listening and rethinking how I respond. Instead of assuming that my way is best, I’m considering the most loving way of responding. And so far it’s working, there have been no outbursts, fights, or bites since then. Or even growls. I’ve changed the way I think of my dog, remembering that first and foremost, she is an animal with instincts and different needs than mine, and a different way of thinking and perceiving the world than mine, and I need to respect that and understand it in order to give her a good and loving home. And I’ve been rethinking my relationship with my humans, that just because you may actually be right doesn’t mean squat in the long run. The relationship itself is much more important, and demonstrating love and humility will soothe hurt hearts and minds, where other methods will not.
So my litany of fruits that I pray for daily now include Wisdom, Patience, Generosity, Humility, Love, Kindness and Forgiveness.
I’m curious to see what roadblock appears next. Or possibly a rock falling from the sky to hit me over the head so that I see what fruits around me I’ve been missing!
Little Z's 