I just don’t have whatever gift teachers have. That ability to keep bringing a restless child back to the present and keep them focused. I don’t have the patience required. I am beyond frustrated, with both of us. I think I’m to the point where I’d rather get the virus then battle with my kid over what Theme means, or where a quarter hour is. I’ve tried explaining via visual, verbal, the math behind the numbers, storytelling, whatever I can think of in as many ways as possible. She’ll watch videos from her teacher but she can’t focus long enough to absorb anything.
I just want this to be over. I don’t want to be a teacher. When I was a kid I thought I did, but now I know how painful it is to watch a bright kid refuse to open their mind to anything new because the TV is on in the other room, because I can’t snuggle all day while analyzing data, so I have to rely on educational programs to keep the youngest occupied.
She will come up with excuse after excuse why she can’t focus… She’s hungry, thirsty, needs to pet the dog, her little toe needs scratched and after all that, oh by the way she needs to use the restroom. Or she’ll flop around in her chair or endlessly click her tongue or deliberately use the wrong button on the mouse so the right-click menu blocks the screen.
I get to the point where I tell her I give up, if she doesn’t care about her education then neither do I. If she wants to go sit and vegetate on the couch, then I give up. I’ll tell her that I’ll just notify her teacher that she doesn’t care, and that usually gets her to focus a little longer. But then we begin the battle again.
Why oh why did we want to be part of a better school district? They ask so flipping much of the kids while home right now. I’m falling behind on work because it’s my super busy time of year, and now she’s behind a day on her schoolwork so I guess we’ll be doing some over the weekend. (Yes I’m taking time away myself by writing this, but I have to vent or I’m going to burst).
I just give up. I want to go be a vegetable, too, and not stress until I cry each day.
I know I’m spoiled; these are first world problems, I should be grateful we have our jobs and the technology to even continue on this way, but I feel like I’m irreversibly ruining either my relationship with my daughter or her previous love of school. I always loved school, so much so that I kept going back for more. She loved it before, was a great student and picked stuff up so easily. Now it’s like pulling teeth constantly. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I want out.
With the brief hiatus of nearly three years of child rearing out of the way, I’m finally ready to get my brain back into writing mode. The intention is two-fold: document the stories of my bitty girls’ childhood for remembrance always, and to hopefully gain the capacity to someday be an actual writer.
I frequently regret that I haven’t been keeping up with sharing the daily anecdotes. I have those moments of, “oh gosh I need to tell someone what they did, it was soooo funny/cute.” Instead I wait until I’m only left with the residue of the memory, just that it was something really share-worthy, but heck if I can remember what it actually was.
And that’s just awful. It’s the bitter after-taste of forgetfulness instead of the flavor of a memory well shared.
I can’t tell you the number of times I call Eric and say, “Aria asked the funniest thing in the car this morning!” and he’ll go, “yeah?” and I’ll pause and then, “yeah.. it was.. it was something about dinosaurs.. and it was really clever.. but I can’t remember what it actually was..”
I guess motherhood really zaps the memory cells or something.
So anywho, Aria is in Kindergarten and Avery is in daycare pre K and both love school and the new house and snow and being each other’s sister (most of the time) and life is constantly chaotic. Aria is involved in a few activities and I’m working on getting Avery back into activity-mode. She regressed upon turning three – or maybe upon our move into the new house – and has been unable to detach herself from my leg long enough to go do paid-for activities. Therefore, she hasn’t been enrolled. But I’m thinking we’ve turned a corner because when she sees Aria doing “kicking and punching” or hockey or whatever, she asks if she can do something. I think dance was great for her when she participated, so I’m hoping we can try that again with better success.
Ok well, this is my official first effort to get back into it, let’s not push it.
Little Z's 